I have tried planning more time to, for example, get dressed for a ballgame and load the gear in the car, but it takes even longer. I can stand there and say, “I really need you to move a little more quickly!” and it has literally no effect on the speed of their movements.
Incentives don’t help; neither does reminding them that the quicker they get things done, the more free time they’ll have. I have tried many things but have not found anything that seems to make a difference. Please tell me you have a trick or idea to help me change our speed of getting things done! Everyone would be so much happier!
A: You are not alone (as a single mom or not) on the “leave the house” struggle bus, so thank you for writing in about this.
First, I’m thrilled that you’ve discovered that incentives don’t work! Sure, that’s not true all the time, but incentives not only don’t work for many kids, they can actually make things worse. Incentives, like many tips and tricks, often fail because they operate on a very basic principle of behavior: Kids only want to be “good” if they’re rewarded (or fear being punished). And yes, behavioral incentives and interventions have their place, but generally speaking, the more mature the human, and the higher level and complexity of work, the more likely rewards will fall short. Think: M&M’s for the 3-year-old sitting on the potty? That can work! M&M’s for a typical 9-year-old doing homework? Not so much.
So, the question isn’t really: “How do I get my kids out the door more quickly and more easily?” The question is: “How do I get my kids to care about getting out the door quickly and easily?” It’s a slight nuance, but an important one. The second question has less to do with control and more to do with relationships. If most children want to be good for their attachments (and yes, they do), how do you connect to your children in a way that gets them to have some more skin in the game?
I feel as though I am suggesting this in nearly every column, but some version of a family meeting would go a long way. First, the family meeting is a parenting tool of connection. I know the urge to use it like a business meeting — where you just tick off everything there is to do and change — is strong. But when you lean into the eye contact, smiling and fun of this meeting, you begin to feel a softening in your relationships with your children. Of course they are allergic to being coerced (most kids are), so start running these meetings with a brief check-in and end it with a little treat or fun. As the children get used to these meetings, you can begin to include conversation around simple chores and needs around the house.
Now here’s where every family has a “choose your own ending” to getting things done and getting needs met. Some families pay their kids for chores, some don’t. Some work with their children to create consequences, some don’t. Some families have to accept that they need to leave the house a lot earlier and not ask the children to do much of anything. Honestly, I am not all that invested in “what” happens, but rather, the “how,” which is the most important. If you cooperatively create consequences that, for instance, the children will lose time on their tablets when they make everyone late in the morning, then so be it. If you cooperatively decide that if they are late, they will hear it from their team and coach, so be it. If you cooperatively decide that three mornings of their own gear-loading and timeliness gets them a dessert-first dinner on a Friday night? So be it. All these options are not as important as the effort toward making decisions as a family. As long as shaming, yelling, spanking and freezing out are off the table, I am pretty open to everything.
The ethos to take on, whether in the family meeting or simply time spent with either child is: “We are all in this together. I will always take care of you and I love that. Because I am one person, we all need to pitch in. It is a matter of fairness, and I know I don’t need to do everything for you when you are both so capable.” Even if the lists you create of who can do what seems a bit short, the goal is progress, not perfection.
Finally, here are the last important points: 1. Write everything down, just to keep everyone honest. Life is hard enough without trying to remember everything. 2. Don’t expect your children to take the consequences well, even if you created the consequences with them. Children have short memories, and will offer compelling excuses why a consequence shouldn’t occur or be amended. Don’t move your boundaries or punish them if they are upset, just let the consequence stand; it’s where the resilience is built. 3. Remember we are apprenticing our children. Celebrate small wins, and notice when they make efforts, even if it falls short of the ideal. And finally remember this: Positivity begets positivity. Good luck.